I’ll never forget the time when my wife and I had some close friends involved in a dispute. We had to act as mediators, setting some ground rules, making space for each party to be heard, and helping them both move toward a solution.

Sometimes when resolving conflicts you may need to ask a third person to mediate. First, try to discover common ground from which to build a way forward. Finding just ten percent that you agree on can re-posture the entire conflict on a more positive footing.

Second, look for a solution that both can accept and which will advance a shared vision or mission. Stephen Covey called this a third alternative. Unfortunately, too many times we only think in either/or—my way or the highway. This win-lose (“I win, you lose”) posture only sours the relationship further even if you get your way at the moment. Those who assume a victim mentality— lose-win (“You win and I lose…in fact I always lose…I’ll just give in yet again as I always have...”)—are devalued by the victor, diminishing both parties’ dignity. Choosing a third alternative— win-win (“You win and I win—we both win!”)—denies selfish ambition and leads to creative solutions. If a win-win cannot be established it’s best to agree on “no deal” which simply means that we will agree to disagree agreeably so that perhaps in the future we can work something out.

Here’s a great exercise to try sometime with a group of friends. Draw an imaginary line down the floor, dividing everyone into two groups facing each other across the line. Instruct each team to convince the other team to cross over to their side without using force. North American players almost never convince one another but their Asian counterparts simply say, “If you’ll cross the line, so will we.” They exchange places and everyone wins. The key to resolving conflicts? Think win-win!

[Next week we will wrap up this series on Resolving Conflicts with a look at what follows forgiveness.]